My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
