wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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