I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
this just has baby written all over it
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
