You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
