if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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