we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
