It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize