You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
