He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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