You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
