This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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