it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
