i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
