I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
