she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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