Michael Bay diarrhea
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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