At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
