You're so nebulous sometimes
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
