I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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