So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
