I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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