Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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