Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
