I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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