This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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