saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
