The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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