before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize