he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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