you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
