On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
