Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
