My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
