I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
