I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
