As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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