I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
