I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
