why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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