i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
