I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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