my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
