I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
