I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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