You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
