i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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