So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
