im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The uberlube is also flammable
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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