tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
