I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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