Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
