"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
