Me too!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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