Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
