Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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